Min Qolbi

Assalamualaikum wrt,

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

"Ah, Farah Fadhil... kamu rasa kamu ni anasir ke qabil?"

Terkebil-kebil mendengar soalan itu diajukan kepada aku. For all this time, I've been hearing about all the theoritical explanation about anasir taghyir and qabil taghyir but I've never categorised myself. I've never evaluated myself before. For those of you who doesn't know what qabil and anasir taghyir are, they are two categories/types of mad'u you will find yourself facing with in da'wah. Anasir are those who are very influential to their surroundings; they have sort of like an aura where whatever he/she says, everyone is sure to follow. Someone like the president of an organization, ketua geng, the Queen Bee... you know, those type of people. Of course, once you are able to attract anasir to join together and work for Islam, they will be the most productive... They are able to make the people around them to follow them as well, but thing is, you have to work twice harder and they probably will have commitment issues because they are also occupied with other things, like presidenting a club or something like that. And then there are the qabils, those who prefer to lay low in any social groups and they are easily-influenced. Easily-attracted, I daresay.

"Ha? Emmm... Qabil lagi kot...."

Come to think of it, I found this path... the path that I'm walking on right now because of my qabil-ness (is there such a word..?). Syukur lillah because without Him I would never have found the true purpose of my life. Macam seorang ustaz ini pernah berkata... Aku bukan pergi mencari hidayah, tetapi hidayah itu yang datang melanggar aku. Well, something along those lines.

I'm not really good with words. Infact, I've never once found myself good with words. Many times, I've misused words... hurt my friends' feelings, saying really farcical things with no purpose at all and another billion things I've done which I'm not proud of. Sometimes, I get caught up in conversations that I really don't see any purpose of having them in the first place. Astaghfirullah... And at other times, while I'm not talking, I keep quiet. I keep most feelings to myself. Many of my friends have said before that sometimes, I can be very quiet... It's just that to start a conversation that is worth conversing about is not one of my best traits.

"I sent an email to my loved one, just the other day
It's sad communication has evolved this way.
We use so many words but have so little to relay
as angels scribble down every letter that we say.
All the viral attachments sent and passionate insults we vent
It's easy to be arrogant behind user passwords we invent.
But on the day the scrolls are laid, with every word and deed displayed,
when we read our accounts, I know, for one, I'll be afraid."
-Dawud Wharnsby Ali

So, I still find myself a qabil. But I know, I cannot stay in one altitude forever. That isn't istiqamah. To be steadfast, to thabat in this Deen... there's always something we should improve about ourselves. Hijrah. Keep moving forward.

"Go forth, whether light or heavy, and strive with your wealth and your lives in the cause of Allah . That is better for you, if you only knew" (Taubah, 9:41)

Till then, wallahu'alam.